Ep.02 ~ How Does love Relate to Life
That’s the other thing that happens, you also start to accept all the parts of your life a lot more easily. All the shadows. You know, the shadows, if we don’t see them, they just keep pushing us around and they don’t go away by themselves. They must be looked at, they must be released, consciously released to some degree. So, when Maharajji sent me back to America after two and a half years, he said, “You go back to America. You have attachment there.” So, this is, this is what’s left after 50 years of dealing with attachment. Just, me and my main squeeze here. And my life, you know? But I think one of the things you’re asking, I’m not looking for that love in anybody anymore, in a person, in a human being – Krishna Das
Q: So you mention about having a void and seeking to fill that void and so having had the experience with Maharajji, to piggyback on this gentleman’s question, how did that experience then translate back into, and this doesn’t have to be personal to you, per se, but in your experience, how does it all translate back into the romantic relationship, in your opinion.
KD: Well, what about just any relationship? What about, how does it translate at all to life, you know? It changes everything on one hand but it didn’t eradicate the karmas that I had already, you know, that were still to work themselves out. They still were coming. You know, looking back, you know, at that time, it changed a lot. First of all, I knew that there really is something to find that is real. And all I had to do is clean my heart and calm my mind, right? So, I’m still waiting. I think tomorrow I’ll start meditating. Maybe the day after. I’m busy tomorrow.
But on the other hand, on one hand, like I said, it changed everything because now there was a context for being alive, whereas before there wasn’t. I mean, I was hoping there was, but I didn’t really know that. But then after that, being there in India and those years and everything, you know, was different. My whole way of living in the world changed to some degree. But it didn’t obliterate a lot of the heavy darkness in my heart. And that darkness manifested very fiercely over the years and it took me down a lot of places, you know, I would have never thought I would have gone. After being with Maharajji. Most people get fucked up before. But I was too scared to do that. I had to wait til afterwards to get screwed up. And I did. Royally.
So, but then there’s, as bad as it gets, most of the time you know that, you have a sense that these are your karmas manifesting and the more you deal with them, the better it is. The more ways you find to deal with them and be present with it as much as you can, the easier it gets but that’s not easy. Give him the mic, he wants to say more.
Q: I almost feel as if this could be a conversation actually?
KD: what else is it? Isn’t this my living room?
Q: So be it.
KD: Or your living room?
Q: So it sounds like life only began at that point, per se?
KD: no, it sounds like the lights went on for a minute and then they went off again. You know? But once they’ve gone on, you see what’s in the room, to some degree. And then it’s not so, it changes a lot. First of all, you know there’s a door over there. You just have to get to the door to get out. Before you didn’t know what was there. So, you’re bumping around trying to find a way out but you don’t even know if there is a way out, so you might give up very easily, which most people do.
Q; So on that note, then, in terms of your relationship with life in general, just as opposed to just, a romantic side of things.
KD: Ok, what do you mean by? You’ve said that twice. What do you mean by romantic?
Q: Well, actually, just based on his question, so you know, in life one of the things that we seem to accomplish, let’s say for me, is to have a certain degree of sacred partnership.
Or whatever that might look like in terms of romantic relationships. And having gone through that experience, sometimes I wonder
KD: What experience?
Q: The experience of being with Maharajji. Sometimes I wonder, it’s like, there’s a song that says, looking for love in all the wrong places.
KD: It’s ike that.
Q: So I wonder, what happens after that experience in that realm, you know?
KD: Look at it. This is what happens.
Q: I’ve been looking at you for a couple of hours. I want to know what’s behind the curtain there.
KD: There’s nothing behind the curtain. Just the same shit you see. There are very few secrets left, especially in the days of social media. Ram Das talks about the time he was standing in line at a porn, outside waiting to buy a ticket at a porn movie, you know? The guy behind him goes, “Are you Ram Das?”
He said, Yes, bought his ticket and went in.
That’s the other thing that happens, you also start to accept all the parts of your life a lot more easily. All the shadows. You know, the shadows, if we don’t see them, they just keep pushing us around and they don’t go away by themselves. They must be looked at, they must be released, consciously released to some degree. So, when Maharajji sent me back to America after 2 and a half years, he said, “You go back to America. You have attachment there.” So, this is, this is what’s left after 50 years of dealing with attachment. Just, me and my main squeeze here. And my life, you know? But I think one of the things you’re asking, I’m not looking for that love in anybody anymore, in a person, in a human being. You know? That love, I understand to be the, like the sky that holds everything within it. We’re all inside of that love all the time. Most of us are trapped inside of me, so we don’t feel that space that we’re all a part of. That’s how I see Maharajji now. And that’s how I see the love now. That love can be manifested by a person, you know, to some degree. But only a true Saint, a true Guru can actually, who’s become that, can, is that. Can transmit that, so to speak. Human beings can only transmit what human beings have to transmit, whatever that is. Affection, kindness, caring, compassion, tenderness, partnership, friendship, neediness, greediness, anger, shame, fear, guilt, that’s our world. That’s not the same world as, and that whole world is held in the arms of this vast sky of love all the time. There’s nothing outside of that. Couldn’t be. But we don’t know that. We’re not aware of that. But what to do? That’s why he sent me home. First of all, I would have died within a year or two if I had stayed there. I was so sick. Ridiculously sick. And second of all, I would have never, I would have never had a chance to live through the untying of the knots in my own heart. It had to be done this way I guess, because that’s what happened.
But there are other people who’ve gone to India, they’ve become monks or nuns and they’ve stayed there their whole lives. You know? That wasn’t me. I thought it was me. But it wasn’t. And He knew that. That’s why He sent me back.
Suggestions for your practice: Devi Sadhana | Sri Ram Kirtan Sadhana
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